we didn’t bond over chess or BASIC

I have lived a life, saying things in a fatal way. Letting others define my intentions, afraid to take off my shirt. I have been jealous, I have ignored the signs of real love for the kind you can buy. The truth of the repressed parts of our identity. I am far too comfortable with my anima. How can a person be ashamed of something as beautiful as that? The ashamed become accomplished liars, until the old man shrinks the shadow.

We create the things we’re missing inside ourselves when we’re young. I had dreams about women giving themselves to me with hugs and warmth when I was a child. I think I have lived a lifetime wanting more acceptance, less judgement. Those developmental years. I do not need to say the word hate.. writing it across my mirror the way used to. I should have been worth something to you, aged now in that bitterness.

We spoke on it a few weeks ago. I guess now I know why I believe things that are terrible for most, are actually things that will be ok for me, although I have no evidence of that, besides the illusion of longevity. It is getting older without truly growing up. It is standing afraid, while everyone else gets the grants. It is being hung like a star on the word potential, and being stuck without the support and warmth to form a connection. I won’t blame anyone, but that kid is still be out here, in this rain, too poor for an…