Member-only story
Unravel for life
To think all this life could have slipped through my fingers..
All this life in chains with my mind locked into a controlling nature, my actions and thoughts. I even seek to control the actions and thoughts of others, all under the guise of discipline. I have been disciplined but not happy, routined but still squirming. I have refused to settle while becoming more and more sedimentary.
They say there are systems in chaos. I think I should write more complete sentences. Something about me has changed. Change cannot be judged. But I live my life like a judge, judging almost everything, so very tightly wound. Perhaps I could be thinking or feeling without judging. Maybe I started this way, sensing and feeling. And now that I’m fully afraid, I’ve starting judging and harming. I’m fence building and hiding. Wells are being dug and filled simultaneously. I’m afraid the water has stopped running. When does it all become art and liberated expression again? Don’t worry, you are all free. I have loosened the harness, my grasp wasn’t the safety you needed after all.
I will not abandon you. I need to see you as you and not as an example of what I am not, what I can’t be, what I refuse and what is wrong. It’s hard to hold these ideas anymore. It’s hard to admit. I wasn’t loving anything. So understand this detachment is not a continued symptom. It is not a new day’s rebellion. It’s not a detachment but an awakening. It’s not a held breath, but an exhale.
Quote in tattoo : Albert Camus The Myth of Sisyphus
