Today I entered into a conversation and walked away with an opportunity to join a business. I have a teacher, that has helped change almost everything I think I know about this life. He’s making me a partner and I’m excited because it’s what I asked for. The punching bag and treadmill on the back deck is also something I asked for.
I have to think that everything happens for a reason.
Today I had a honest discussion with my sponsor. He is so different than me. He is also helping me shape a positive world view about how I face and fight my disease of alcoholism.
Today I embraced my circumstance and found that I’m being groomed for something bigger than I can imagine. I think it happens to us all.. God calls, and when He does we either answer yes or no. When we answer with later or maybe He will drag us to it. It is then up to us to align our will with His.
Today I carved turkeys for the church. It was amazing to be of service to these people. Service to God. I want to tell you how it felt. I felt exalted. I was a servant that felt like a king.
Today I lived as servant and felt like a king.
Today my body and my mind belonged to me. I gave myself to God and He returned me to me. The mask fell off. I walked around my house barefoot. I gave all of me to God and now I’m His. Let me explain further.
I don’t have to sleep with anyone to feel like I’m worthy. I don’t have to smoke weed or get drunk to feel worthy. There isn’t any obsession. Today I don’t need you to do something for me to feel worthy. It’s amazing. I wish more could understand what true freedom is. I don’t have to be anything other than who I am. I’m actually more free to love. I get to love my friends and love my life. It’s actually amazing, because they’re loving me back. Love. I know Love today.
I know some will reject me for my flaws and my mistakes. Christ was flawless and look at how many reject Him. I know some think it comes down to better choices. It does but not only better choices but better thinking.
Today I’m incredibly thankful for all the people that share their experience, their strength, and their Faith with me. I’m thankful for my mentor. I’m thankful for my sponsor. I’m thankful for my God, and His undying Love. Undying. Unconditional.
Today I learned this Love exists. I don’t have to accept any other kind of Love. It’s called being evenly yoked. I will never forget the truth in being evenly yoked.
Today I looked at others with compassion because I have that spirit. I have empathy. I do my best to feel what other people feel, to understand their struggle. It helps me understand my own.
I am five days from my last drink. That’s all five days. I have felt myself backsliding and I finally did the things suggested. Today I felt free. The last week my mind has been trying to kill me. Today I lived.
As much as I want to share all this with Kate and kiss the kids… as much as I want to have everything I think I deserve, it’s ok to say that I’m right where I should be. I’m a business owner now. I’m positioned for church leadership. Today is proof that if you better the company you keep, better things will happen.
Sure it’ll be hard work especially this first year, and I’m not quitting my job. Yet. This is an amazing time.
I’m not better than anyone. I know this is only by the Grace of God, but we have to show up too. We have to say the prayer, and then show up in Faith. Faith. Faith has no equal. Smoking weed and exploiting myself is not an equal to Faith. Procrastinating constantly is no equal to Faith, Faith drives the action. Faith lessens the risk. These are simple truths.
I will finish the things I start again. I will embrace the small crack of sunlight that bends through this corrupt world to reach me. I will forever be in the debt of the cops that helped return me to a position of accountability. I would not even be in this neighborhood if not for Kate. I have to believe that her life has improved by a thousand times as well. Im not happier without her, I’m just accepting her choice. I think she appreciates that.
It’s a joy and a remorse that sounds like conflict and fear, replaced by Love and compassion. This is how I feel. Chosen. I feel chosen.
The pastor’s wife asked me to carve the turkeys. My mentor and business partner said do it. It was as if God had given me a family I was equipped to be a part of. I didn’t know I was helping the pastor’s wife, I thought she was like me. It’s amazing because I only felt that way because she treated me as if I were like her.
I’m a good father. I am. I am funny and stern and loving. But I wasn’t equipped to be a father yet because I’m still sick. He is working through me to heal me so that I might help heal others. He is removing and tearing down my ego. He is allowing me to march into the purpose He has for me. My God is a mighty God. He has altered my perception of myself. Self examination is the key to this. His Grace and my honest exploration of myself have allowed the seeds planted by Him to begin to stir and break free of their shell.
Today was the first time in a long time I walked the walk. I am thankful for today.