tiny dragons

The weather made people dance in their fear. I knew I should’ve put those extra miles in this morning. Now I’m unaware, and I hate playing catch up. One would think given my last spill of intention that I would be crushed and wallowing. But that isn’t true. For the first time in a long time, I happen to know exactly what I’m taking about. I’m almost laughing because after all this time under that gaslight, I’m finding things predictable.

It has been a perpetual night for me and I could only see by the tiniest of lights, escaping from the things done to me. Now I don’t have to argue or fight or even react. Time is up. The triangulation will continue without me. I’m not bragging about it. I’m not exactly relieved, but I am stronger, I am not the imposter I lived so long here in this place believing I am. I am not.

The compassion I have for the ills and misguided misdeeds is real. I saw you fall apart and I know why. My only hope is that you move forward. I’m slowly becoming convinced, that isn’t something you’ll ever do. You stopped moving before your motherhood.

Can a mother grow passed the birth, passed the abandonment, into a place where the goal is greater than the correction of perceived mistakes of early child care? The child is born but for some this birth is an abandonment of the womb. For some the years are spent desperately trying to force that life force back…