The way I run

I’ve never left an AA meeting before feeling as if my problems were too big for the room. Never before today that is. This was a room to say fears and gain warmth, maybe not in this city. One thing is true..I think it’s you, but it’s probably me.

She suggested I return to Texas. Pulled from my heart I think. I’m not sure how she knew, or if I spoke it aloud sometime in the night. One thing I know..I’m not a danger in these streets … I love myself and that means I love others too.. maybe I don’t like their ways ..but again this ain’t about them..as much as it’s about me

I want peace..not prepared for so much conflict, not willing to tie my shoes and wade into that marshland….one thing I know this isn’t about the capitalization of FEAR..as much as the endurance and pronouncements of faith..this isn’t a trick, I hurt more than I smile but I smile more than I quit

Honest, but not in here. Here is a heart ripped from the safety of cover story. Foxhole prayers. Missing but accepting.. I mumble when I need a bit of quiet..judgment for you mercy for me..forgiveness is about the heart and the rules are broken. Forgiveness is about welcoming them home..not passively forgetting only to be triggered again..to say it in character..this trial is not about you… but it is about me. The life I’ve lived. The way I run. The willingness to stay. Dear Texas..there’s no hiding under your sky..

“Dear God, is this life for me?” — Moses in the Wild

art credit: William Harnett “Attention, Company!” (1878)
Oil on canvas
Located in the Amon Carter Museum, Fort Worth, Texas, United States