This is humbling. Well more accurately I am humbled.
Honesty has a way of making everything better. I have been believing the lies behind the lie. I think I grew up that way. Maybe a little bit afraid to say how I really feel. My mother…. Well ..
I’m not sure if I was ever honest with her, I told her the crazy, but never the truth about how I felt. I just pushed every last one of them away…. I’m not a child anymore, but I still push people away. My skills are epic in this regard.
It isn’t a matter of if you love me, that’s the lie. I can’t control that. It has become a matter of if I love you, and even greater than that, if I love me.
If I love you, then I will do this, I will kill the pride that keeps me comparing myself to others. I will confront the pride that closed so many doors for me. Doors opened and my fear and pride boarded them right back up.
If I love me I will do the hardest thing I’ve ever done and know that all things through God are for good.
Last night I sat very quietly listening, I didn’t speak because I couldn’t form words. I didn’t write because I couldn’t unblock the buzzing covering and making my third eye approach possible. I was blind with anger, comparing myself to someone stuck there in that comparison. The comparing is the work of a child shivering against the anger of their own reactive actions. This is the truth behind my next move.
I work with a guy that seems to be proudly dating my ex. It’s the buzz of my workplace. Today I have to congratulate him, you know kill the feud, because I want to live. Because if I don’t, well there isn’t any way that I don’t. This is about who I am. Not who they are.
Sitting with God I realized I was standing in my own way. I was actually going to quit this job over this. I’m still quitting but this isn’t the reason. I’m may still leave Arizona, and if I do I won’t be running away a child. I’m going to walk away a man. That’s the truth behind this response.
Anger makes every bad choice available and convenient. Peace is starving the flesh and calming the waves that our actions send rippling out into the energy and personal space of others. I can’t change much about the situation. I can change what I put into it.
This is a many layered onion. Right before they went out he messaged me about attending church services. He wanted to come to God but because they were together I stopped talking to him. That’s what I’m seeking to change. It’s another chance for me to practice a love that I’m unfamiliar with. Another chance to strengthen that weak part of my personality with better behavior. I like better. I can do better.
The lie I almost told sounded like fuck you, fuck her, fuck everyone. The truth sounds like we all have our path. We all have to walk it. I’m going to love her a little better than before, love myself a considerable amount more than I ever have and keep it 💯.
I deserve to feel the wind and know it is an embrace. I deserve to sleep with a clear conscience. Wake and move with the Light, and if I’m lucky I can let that Light shift the shadows away from me.
Lord, this is You. You did this. You know what I would have done. You know what I would do without You. Thanks for those moments of clarity and man, God, self respect, strength God. I know you’re putting better choices in front of me, I just need see, and listen. I see the people You’re surrounding me with. I see it God, I’m sorry that I let You down. Forgive me. That’s all. Thank You in Jesus name Amen.
What am I afraid of? This identity.. no, this burden isn’t a burden it’s the Light shifting the shadows of my crooked thought away from me. What is the fear if not a simple pride, and the greatest of sin? Today is a day to invest in the currency of what love is.. and if I love you, if I love me, tomorrow that love pays forward------ Moses in the Wild