Good morning( the end of shame),
So 2017 certainly has it’s share of relapse, shame and feelings of unworthiness. I’m not sure if I need to follow that sentence with another about shame and how I got there, no this is about leaving that behind. Owning my story, living inside it, and walking the walk, that’s what this is about.
“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change” — -Brené Brown
I’m not going to point any fingers. The darkness needs no help. My coach tells me to be the light so…. I’m sorry if you feel I haven’t suffered enough. Trust me this isn’t the shunning of pain. This is the step forward past the pain into purpose.
I asked him how he got started helping people and he said “well, I came to church listen to God and met a business owner”. Sounds easy enough, sounds like he lucked out. I mean, is this my path? Walking back to church I realized the way he started is exactly the way I started. I came to church, listened to God and met a business owner. I froze because the joy was springing up through my belly. I go to the gym so it sprang up through my center, no belly.
My experience is that we happen to be exactly where we are supposed to be and that permissive will is actually connection through the Sovereign will. My opinions aren’t popular but I’m going to share them anyway. I’m sharing them because I believe I just might be …. Wait for it… free. I am free.
What does an honest man say when confronted with real life questions? He says what he knows to be the truth. How does a honest man respond to the choice of good versus evil, or right and wrong? He responds with authenticity. We can trust a thief to be a thief and a liar to be a liar. My time in those rooms have come to a close. It’s like I swallowed the antidote and now the mask is available, but unused. It’s like the water and the blood have washed it from me. Again not what people usually say but I don’t care about what they say. I am certain, I am free. Certain.
I’m the type of guy to get married and sleep with my wife. Often. I’m the type of person that wants to build teams and understands this will take an openness I’m not familiar with, I’m going to have to embrace the uncomfortable and tap into what connects us, not what divides us. This is the purpose. And I’ve had a little practice. I finally know what my purpose is. To bring small groups of folks together into a much larger grouping of togetherness in mission. How does this work? What about the millennials?.. I have a theory, more on that later.
I’m excited. I’m reborn. I’m forgiven and I’m will use this Grace for the glory of it and not to serve somebody or something that serves me. Lofty but necessary.
2018 isn’t the reason. God is the reason. There are other reasons that tiptoe the line around my heart. There are beautiful conversations to be had, poems and prose to write, paintings to start ( and maybe finish.. they are never finished), songs to sing, babies to change, sons to raise, daughters to encourage and a partner to exalt. All this is here today. I don’t have to wait. It’s all about starting small and asking the right questions from the right source. I simply ask what do You want for me?.. what is it You want for me?.. it so much saner than it sounds. It is what keeps me sane.
I went to jail in 2017( 11 days) I did, that’s right, not sexy, not the will of God how I got there but He certainly did use it. I was there and now I’m here.
I lost a few friends, close or not still loss, not ideal but I will find new ones and hold them tighter than I may have before. Besides my real friends never left just the ones that weren’t truly friends. So..yeah. carry on. We see you.
These things are nothing compared to a found identity, a found reason for breathing ( yeah I thought I needed a reason to breathe) and a confidence in a conscience clear. A confidence in a new way of thinking or I should say a return to that original way of thinking we are all born with. Trust me I learned my arrogance over years and thankfully I am finding it a far easier path to be rid of that dagger than the path to acquire it.
Today is a day of great appreciation, a day for gratitude. This started with a look inside and will continue with eyes pinned to my intention, checking it so you don’t have to.
My prayers are with you all. My thoughts are on the prize, my heart is ready to stand and walk on it’s own, baby steps…and hey you, you I love, Happy New Year..
“He asked me about the believer and the follower, I responded with the attachment and the connection. This is the human condition. It is ever changing. The law doesn’t change but the Spirit is transformative, live in the Spirit”---Moses in the Wild. (last morning 2017)