for years

Moses in the Wild
3 min readOct 12, 2022

I have learned over 50 recipes in the last 3 months. The work is calming, even now after the hundred or so, street crossings I have experienced this last year. I can clearly see that I can make a mess. I can also build beautiful tacos and beet salads. I am learning to live with the cuts and the burns. The standing and the stirring, the sauce and marinade creation, I can live with it, I don’t take it too personal but it is changing me. Running away to the ocean and the mess I made before I drove west is a part of the big picture, still very small in the overall picture. I was pretty good to myself for a while, I’ve been able for years.

Digging holes and shoveling the dirt in as quickly as you dig it out is the rat race defined. Everyone experiences some sort of pressure. Chasing the bill money, chasing the mortgage, just another person’s global north problem. I need to balance the chase with some sort of comfort. I guess one can become a denier of gravity when the walls begin to crumble around them, and still I chase and the motivation to do something other than overthink my marital status is growing. it’s like starting with butter, moving through the herbs and the sweating of root vegetables, the motivation is fully self aware and thankfully forgiving. it takes a bit but I’ve been able to stand and walk for years.

it’s going to take more effort to relax into the challenges and opportunity still here for me. funny to see yourself marching slightly out of rhythm, funny to think that you have been code switching as a self inflicted trauma response. wondering if this has been your character or if its just the triggered reactions living outloud. is there a difference and if this is an ailment will it rob of my vocabulary? starting over, bending at the waist and snapping the bones in my feet is a circle. these things are the crossroads where I have been passing by myself for years.

what color does the 50th year illumminate as on the age meter, is it red right smack in the middle or is it closer to the orange of a three quarter mark? it feels like things are harder to understand. harder to execute, but they are understood and executed. my mind isn’t always in the same physical place, inside the circumstance, and I’ll admit, I’ve grown attached to my life in dreams. the comfortable feeling of anxiety before crawling into my bed alone or otherwise holds no candle to the closeness I feel when I am asleep, living slightly off dimension. it may be like rising dough and the warm smell of fermentation today to say, perhaps I haven’t been awake all this time, but really I haven’t truly slept for years.

It is good to feel this good.

art credit: The Red Man : Anthony Azekwoh, Lagos, Nigeria

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Moses in the Wild

new woodsman love stories, recovery, clinical counseling theories Bret Marston Hall